Today has been really hard, and it took me by surprise, though I should have seen it coming. I went to the opticians for an eye test and to order new glasses. The appointment was fine. Bizarrely, my eyes seem to be improving as I get older. But what hurt was that this was something that I always did with my wife. We would book adjacent appointments for tests and then meet up again in the shop to help each other choose new glasses.
Of course, I am perfectly capable of doing all this on my own. It just made me very sad, and it felt very lonely to have to do it on my own. Part of this was that it was yet more decisions with nobody to help share the load. But mostly, I just missed the experience of being with her during a fairly mundane yet necessary part of life.
Just when I think I am adjusting to life on my own, it comes back and hits me right between the eyes out of nowhere. I think it is knowing that it will not just be like this today, but every day from now on. My brain still seems unable to accept that she is never coming back completely.
Life still feels incredibly empty a lot of the time. During some recent time off work, I got my back garden tidied, and it looks very nice now. But I immediately started wondering why I bothered, when only I will see it. I still find it very hard to see meaning in nice things happening to me when I have nobody to share them with.
I am not through the first year yet, and I still have a couple of anniversaries to go that I think could be very tough. I am starting to understand why many who grieve a partner say that the second year is even worse than the first, even though I am not there yet.
It still feels so wrong that life is just carrying on without her. Every day there are things I want to share with her, important and trivial, and each time that I remember that I can’t, it feels like losing her again.
I suppose the trip to the opticians will be a bit easier next time. But it also makes me realise that there are going to be many, many more things I will inevitably compare to when we did them together and wish we still could.
Grief really does suck. I would not wish it on anyone, but we all have to face it at some point. Pretending that it is anything other than awful, however, or saying things like give it time, helps nobody. Grief is hideous, and the only way through is to do the grieving. I hate it.