I have always loved to eat. Few pleasures in life are so good and come as regularly a a good meal, as my waistline attests! But I am also acutely aware of the impact food, or lack of it, can have on my overall mood and mental health. On a recent holiday, I found myself in a new town, in dreadful weather, having gone many hours without eating while travelling. As I searched for somewhere to eat, worried about falling victim to a tourist trap, my well-being declined sharply. I am convinced this wasn’t just low blood sugar, but also because food and feeling full give me a strong sense of security.
I have been through times in the past when I did not have enough to eat (though my experiences are nothing compared to the long-term hunger faced by many), and I think that this mentally scars me to some degree. I also have strong adverse reactions to some common foods due to my autistic sensitivity to texture. The upshot is that food isn’t just important to me; I need to know I will like what I eat.
The disappointment I feel when I have a meal I don’t enjoy, and that doesn’t satisfy me, goes way beyond my stomach. It makes me deeply unhappy in a more general sense. I find it incredibly hard to focus on anything else while I feel this way.
So now that I live alone, I am not ashamed to say that I eat pretty much the same meals every week. I have no issue eating the same thing for several consecutive days if I like it. I would far rather do that than risk the down of a poor meal that does meet my needs. I rarely get bored with foods I like (I do not recognise too much chocolate as a concept in any form!), but eating things that I know that I enjoy brings me a deep sense of security and frees up mental capacity for other things.
I know that this is yet another difference that I have from many neurotypical people, and I am fine with that. It is not that I do not like trying new things; it is that I must manage the risk. Having a nibble of something new while most of my plate is full of favourites is one thing; ordering something completely new in a restaurant when I am very hungry and risking being served something that I find inedible is quite another.
In some ways, my conservative approach to food is similar to my choice to usually wear the same clothes. It saves mental energy on decisions that can have much greater consequences for me if I get them wrong than for others, and familiarity brings me a lot more comfort than the thrill of something different.
When I come across food that I don’t like, it can be much more than just not being to my taste. There are foods that I find absolutely revolting to experience in my mouth, and it is not an experience that I care to have any more than necessary. If that means that I am missing out on a few things that I would enjoy if I tried them, so be it. I am happy with the level of risk I take with food and the rewards I get from generally sticking to what I know.
Autistic people often have a complex relationship with food, not least because it is such a sensory experience. Food stimulates almost all of our senses, so an issue with any of them can impact what we like to eat. This is not a choice or a preference. It is a reaction that makes us do almost anything to make it stop. It is why I was repeatedly sick when forced to eat spaghetti at school and why I still cannot touch it to this day.
Perhaps I am a fussy eater. But I am an adult, and I am not hurting anyone else by being this way. I just wish more people understood that this is far deeper than not liking certain foods.