I rely heavily on routines to navigate my life. They are ways I have found work for me, and sticking to them removes the uncertainty of trying something different and having it go wrong. This is particularly the case with tasks that involve or impact other people, when most autistic people have arrived at a way that works after making mistakes and being ridiculed or worse, for not instinctively knowing the ‘right’ way to do something.
Over time, some of my routines have become micro-rituals, and I follow them for my own peace of mind, especially the ones that only affect me. For example, in the morning I always brush my teeth, shave, and shower in the same way and order. This means I can do some of this semi-automatically without worrying that I will forget something. As long as I start with the first task in the sequence, I can generally trust my body to follow the rest of the steps automatically. I don’t start wondering halfway through the day whether I remembered to brush my teeth if I know I went to the bathroom and followed the ritual.
This matters to me because I spend a lot of time every day worrying that I have forgotten something important or essential. I regularly have to check that all the doors and windows are closed several times before bed because my brain fixates on the idea that I left one open. I still haven’t come up with a foolproof micro-ritual that gives me the mental reassurance I need!
But when micro-rituals work, they can also be enormously satisfying. It can give me a disproportionate amount of pleasure to mentally mark a sequence of tasks, like clearing up after eating, as complete. When your brain is as anxiety-ridden as mine, anything that can give you an edge is worth having.
I know some people would hate to have their lives as regimented as this and much prefer spontaneity. I do see the appeal of that, but I know that I would feel wrong and unsettled if I did not follow my routines, and I would worry enormously about whether I had done some important but mundane task if I did not have a system both for doing it and for remembering that I had done it when I start to worry.
That final point is the crux of the matter here. Doing something is not enough. It matters to do it in a way that sticks in my mind enough that I can reassure myself that I did it when I start to worry later. Micro-rituals give me this reassurance. They are not perfect, and they are not for everyone, but they work for me in some areas of my life at least, so I will keep using them.