When someone close to you dies, there are a few phrases that you hear many times from friends and family as they try to console you. I understand this, as I have used most of them myself when trying to console others in what is, frankly, an inconsolable situation from their point of view. Many of these phrases are harmless, if sometimes a little irritating. Telling someone to let you know if you need anything when they are feeling so lost that they have no idea what they need, other than getting their person back, is not as helpful as you might imagine.
But the phrase that I have struggled with the most is that everything happens for a reason. I know it is meant with the best of intentions and designed to give hope for a future that looks very dark at the time. I know that those who say it do so to offer comfort and support. But I just cannot agree with it, and I see no evidence to support it.
Perhaps my autistic tendency to take things literally is at play here, but even 9 months on, I am struggling to see how my wife being taken so suddenly, when she had so much to live for, happened for a reason. I miss her enormously every single day, and I have yet to find a single positive from her death. Perhaps it is better that she is no longer in pain, but I am convinced that, if given the choice, she would have preferred to carry on living, albeit with some major health issues, than to die when she did. She had absolutely not reached the stage where she had had enough, and her quality of life was so poor that death was preferable.
Why, indeed, did she get cancer in the first place? I know that around half of us do at some point, but I am also finding it hard to see a good reason for that. I’m sure some good does come from people having cancer, but I am far from convinced that it remotely offsets the pain and suffering from this dreadful disease.
I completely understand why people would like to believe that everything happens for a reason. It is a way to keep yourself going through the worst of times. But I don’t see any justification for stating it as a fact, and suggesting it to someone recently bereaved may not be as comforting as you imagine. Wanting something to be true doesn’t make it real.
Rather than offering dubious platitudes, I would far rather people agree with me that losing my person is horrible, and that they talked to me about her. The greatest comfort I received in the immediate aftermath of my wife’s death was when I shared memories of her with others. For a moment, she was back with us as we laughed about notable incidents in her life. Do not be afraid to mention the person who has gone – it can be the best way of supporting and comforting a bereaved person.