Say the word “burnout”, and most people tend to think of a total collapse. After all, the clue is in the word. You have been pushed so far that you are completely out of energy, willpower, resilience, and anything else you need to keep going. But the truth is that autistic burnout does not always look like this, which is why many of us have likely been fighting it for years without even realising it.
Autistic burnout happens when we become so exhausted from being strangers in a strange land that everyday functions become impossible or highly challenging. It is when we have masked for so long that we forget who we really are, and when doing the things we must every day takes more energy than we have available. It builds over time, as the energy deficit increases, until even the most basic tasks like eating, washing and dressing ourselves become a huge deal rather than things we do without even thinking about them.
But the reality of autistic burnout is that some of us have been so burnt out for so long that we have got very good at pretending to cope. We say that we are fine when we are anything but. We lean so heavily on our routines (because we don’t have the mental energy to do anything different) that we are completely devastated if we’re forced to deviate from them. We keep going in a state of total exhaustion and collapse each night as soon as the essentials are done.
The problem is, this is not sustainable, and it is likely having a long-term impact on our health and well-being. Nobody can run on empty for months at a time without it catching up with you at some point. Even when you are in the cycle of permanent exhaustion, you may recognise that you have gone from living to existing, as every ounce of strength goes to the absolute essentials only.
But because we keep going, everybody else thinks we are fine. We may even manage to kid ourselves that this is the case a lot of the time. This is a big issue because you cannot begin to address a problem until you have identified it and admitted it exists.
The solution will be different for everyone, and there are no easy answers or quick fixes. But it will mean making some kind of change. What these look like and what is possible for you, only you can determine. You may well feel trapped and unable to make any changes right now. I felt that way for a long time, but everything changes in the end. Being aware of the current problem and the need for a change can at least open your eyes to opportunities you might otherwise miss when they do arise.
It can also help to understand that the permanent exhaustion you feel isn’t because something is wrong with you, and it isn’t your fault. You are not designed to work in this environment. A fish out of water struggles in seconds – why would you be any different? Of course, there is probably no handy lake that suits you to jump straight back into, but recognising your needs and how they differ from your current situation is a significant step forward.
Life was not meant to be like this. You are not supposed to feel completely drained and exhausted the whole time, to keep coping by the very skin of your teeth, and to continually try to make progress in a world that is not designed for you. Even a small step can start to feel like a huge relief.