For many autistic people, masking is a way of life, and likely always will be to some extent. But none of us can keep our masks on all the time, and when we do mask for too long without a break, it can do us enormous damage. Our mental health can be badly impacted, and we are left completely drained from what others see as normal day-to-day life.
Ideally, of course, we would not have to mask so much or even at all, but we are a long way away from a world like that. If anything, the acceptance of differences seems to be diminishing rather than increasing. So our lifelong role of pretending to be the neurotypical version of ourselves will likely continue.
One consequence of this is the huge importance of autistic people having spaces where we can unmask without fear and allow ourselves to recover. Ideally, this will be at home, since most of us spend a lot of time there, and a safe space where we can be ourselves is one of a home’s key functions. But for many autistic people, this is not the case. It was not for me for many years, and it drove me almost to complete destruction. For several years, the only time that I could really relax to any extent was on the train between work and home. But because it was usually overcrowded, noisy, and stressful, it was far from a safe space!
An autistic life with no kind of regularly available safe space is likely to be a huge struggle. None of us can play a role 24/7, 365 days a year, and we shouldn’t be asked to. If you find yourself in a position where none of the places where you spend most of your time is safe, then it is important to try to find micro spaces within them that are, even if only for short periods. It can be a simple as going for a short walk or even sitting in the bathroom for a few minutes. Anywhere that you can escape the perceived scrutiny and judgment of others, even for a few moments, can help a lot. It is almost like coming up for air when underwater – even a short breath can make a difference, especially when being able to get out of the water altogether will not be an option anytime soon.
Seeking these moments of relief is not selfishness or self-indulgence. It is a basic survival need, like eating or breathing. I often feel the relief throughout my body when I can finally relax after being on display for a long time. Soon after, the exhaustion tends to hit!
We live in a world not designed for autistic minds, and that still has a very long way to go to accept our true selves. Until that happens, there is nothing wrong with doing what we must to get by. Others do not need to understand why we need these spaces to accept that we do.