When I was at primary school, another child hit me over the head with a ruler. When I protested to the teacher, she told me to hit them back. Being me, and desperate not to upset anyone, I gave the other child the lightest of taps, and that was the end of the matter.
In retrospect, part of me wishes I had given the other child an almighty whack, and how the teacher would have reacted had I done so. Certainly, things would not play out that way in schools now, and I suspect that I did betray myself as a soft touch for the bullies by reacting as I did.
I was bullied a lot at school, and I was miserable through almost all of my school years as a result. Looking back through the lens of knowing that I am autistic, it all makes a lot more sense. I was much more at home doing some extra maths or reading a book than trying to build relationships with others. I still am! But at the time I thought I was just predestined to be the class punchbag while the other kids had a great time at my expense.
In adulthood I have also been bullied, but I am much more aware now of what is acceptable and that I do not deserve to be treated that way. However, I constantly must balance standing up for myself with a desperate need to not upset anyone else, even if what I need is perfectly reasonable. Most of the time I would rather allow myself to be walked over than to make a fuss and risk causing discomfort in somebody else.
This is very much in my mind today as I compile a snagging list for the new kitchen we had fitted last week. The workmen were lovely, and the vast majority of the work is fantastic. But there are a few small but very important points that need redoing so that they are done right. I know that I a paying a lot of money and I deserve to have the job done properly. But I am so averse to causing upset that I know that I am apt to just give in and settle for second best, even defending the poor workmanship when others point it out.
I have the same issue in my work. If someone sends me something that I think needs more work and is some way off being what is needed, I have great difficulty in saying so. I will always try and couch the message in terms of something like “this is a great start, but I think we also need to cover x, y, and z”. I cannot bring myself to give brutal feedback to someone that I like and respect, even when it may be the most helpful response.
I don’t know why I care quite so much how others react to me. Perhaps I am desperate to be liked having spent so much of my life being treated very badly. Maybe I do not want others to feel how I have when I have experienced being told that nothing I dd was ever good enough.
But surely there is some middle ground, where I can ensure that I get what I reasonably need without upsetting anyone, and, even harder, accepting that some people may get upset just because I want something very reasonable, and that is their problem not mine.
It feels like walking a tightrope of vanishingly small breadth. On the side of giving in and getting poor service there is at least a nice big cushion to fall on, so I naturally lean that way, and would rather be disappointed myself than upset someone else. It is very important to me to always treat others with dignity and respect, not least because I know very well what it is like to not receive that. But I also refuse to be a doormat.
I know I will not always get it right, and that I will likely continue to find the process of standing up for myself deeply stressful, as I am at present. If only things just worked!